I’ve posted this elsewhere on my journal, but it’s still a legitimate question! I’m sorry for the length, but the background is necessary (I think). So I have this friend (no, really). Before she turned 21 she never drank and was the typical “good girl” in every way. Since she turned 21 (last summer), she’s begun to drink regularly. She’s also undergoing a bit of a personal transformation. Whereas before she was happy being single with high standards (i.e. alone), she’s now somewhat bothered that even her younger brother has been in a serious relationship and progressed beyond kissing. She kind of wants to become a makeout slut (but she still has standards). She’s a senior now and taking few classes. She has a lot of free time and joined two productions last semester to keep from being too bored with all of her free time. Now we come to the issue/question. I’m starting to become really bothered by her drinking/going out.
She goes out to bars w/ friend(s) about 2-5 times a week. The friends always change, but she always goes. This past Tuesday, she got completely drunk while pre-partying before meeting a friend at a bar, who eventually cancelled. Wednesday, her away message read “getting trashed w/ boy” (the boy who’d cancelled the prev. night). She’s set to go to a bar tonight as well. Her record, I think, is drinking 9-10 nights in a row. She doesn’t usually get drunk. The fact that she goes out and drinks so often is starting to really bother me. Note, that I didn’t say that it concerns me. She normally doesn’t get drunk and I’m not sure it’s to alcoholic levels. But it’s definitely past my inner levels of what’s okay/normal/occasional drinking, and what’s feeling lonely/low self-esteem/needs to go out nearly every night drinking. I feel like I’m starting to lose respect for her. But then, maybe I’m just jealous, b/c I’m at the other extreme of almost never going out right now and I’m not too pleased about it?
So (finally) my question is – do my feelings sound legitimate, or am I just jealous?
– Losing Respect or Just Jealous?
Let me see if I get this, Losing Respect: you just want to make sure that what you are feeling is valid. You’re upset that she’s getting her party on, you aren’t concerned about the possibility that she’s putting herself in potentially dangerous situations, and you think she’s an idiot for behaving the way she has. I would say that what you need to do is chill. Re-examine the situation and your friendship. Sometimes people change (and you don’t). If you’ve gotten to the point in the friendship where you don’t even care about her welfare, that’s probably a sign that you need to move on. If she values your friendship or you hers, then you need to dialogue and explain to her that you are losing respect and how important that is to you in a friendship. If you think that jealousy really is a factor at play, then tag along. She’s your friend; she shouldn’t mind you hanging out every now and then. Otherwise, this may be a situation in which it’s not worth your energy to continue.
