my boyfriend has some pretty severe anger issues. he has never hit another person, but a few years back (when he was angrier than he is now) he broke a girlfriend’s laptop–like, smashed it to bits–during an argument. he still gets really angry easily and because i was abused as a child i get really freaked out. he is committed to changing this, but do you think there is anything in the meantime i can do to help him as he works through it? i am tired of avoiding stuff just to avoid his anger
–Cringer
I’m a big fan of honesty and talking things through. There is always a good way to bring things up and a bad way of bringing things up. For example, I had a boyfriend in high school that I loved dearly and passionately. One time we had an argument and in a fit of anger he threw a chair, started beating and berating himself, and ultimately broke my heart in a matter of minutes. He scared me, because I saw what he was capable of doing to both himself and others. People with anger issues are very blind sometimes to their own anger. I’ll give you another example: I tend to get extraordinarily stressed out and as such, do severe damage to my body. So much so, that my doctor (cardiologist) made me to go rage counseling, which happens to be much nicer than Anger Management. Perhaps on of the things you could do to help your boyfriend be conscious of his rage and the way it makes other people feel is to give him some of the helpful little tips that were given to me.
Instead of thinking, “x makes him mad. i will avoid x,” try thinking about why X will anger him in the first place. Talk with him about why X is so prone to angering him and let him know that sometimes X happens. Establish a method of dealing with problems that is simple. “When X happens, please be aware that I am not doing it to enrage you, it is just something that happens. here is the plan to dealing with X: we will do Y.” If he is already committed to doing something about his anger, guide him. Breathing helps, mantras help, breaking patterns help. Honestly, the one thing that helped me during Rage Counseling (no laughing at me, folks, this was for medical reasons), was the safe word. (The Safe Word: No Longer Just for Sex!) When things got too tense Really Good Friend knew to either 1) let me vent or 2) say “Adri, Chill.” (Our safe word was Chill. Dumb. I know. But it worked.) That made me conscious of my anger and how I was making him feel.
“I love you. Chill.” I hope that helps.
