do you have non-trite advice for moving on? I was with my boyfriend for 4 years when he starting hooking up with someone else.

He came back to me about 18 mos later.

now, a year later, he dumped me again for her. Normally I love women, but this bitch is pissing me off. I realize the problem is really with Kevin, but it’s just so easy to blame it on the hot girl that is more fun, full of life, inspiring, and better in bed (his words).

I love him still (obviously). If I could turn it off I would. but I can’t. I am totally busy with work and school, but nothing replaces having a friend to talk to at the end of the day. This time, he’s cut off communication completely, I’m left in the cold.

I am so broken, I gave him everything. How do you move on?

-lila

The guest man-panel says.

Joe: I can’t even imagine that situation. I’ve never been a relationship more than two weeks.

Will: I think that as much as she would like non-trite advice, there are some circumstances like this that require a little bit of it. it’ll be difficult. She’s going to have a lot of needs that she’s used to having addressed by a relationship that she’s going to feel. No matter what she does, it’ll never be the same. This is an everyday thing. She’s going to get up and deal with this daily, there’s no magic bullet solution. She can’t just hop back into this relationship or buy a pet or quick and dirty means of filling the void is not going to be successful or healthy. She needs to recognize that. She’ll need support from different people. People she’s not used to getting support from. There is no non-trite advice.

Adri: Lila, here’s the situation as I see it: you’ve dated an ass (sorry, but any man that would say those things to your face is an ass, unless you pressured him into that confrontation, which is another story altogether), he left you for someone else, came back, left again for the same woman, and now you’re left to gather up the shattered pieces of your self esteem. It looks to me as though he can’t make up his mind and you’re dependent on him for your happiness. Things that would help you move on: therapy, joining some new activities (I’m not kidding. You’ve established a routine built around this man for four years, and you need to break the cycle of deprecation. Joining a new activity is a way of assuming control over your life, meeting new people, and investing the energy that would normally go into him into something else. I know you’re busy, but you can join a once a week reading club or writing), and becoming comfortable with yourself.

Your self-esteem has obviously taken a large blow. You need to slowly get used to being alone. And it’s not easy. You’ll want to call him or other people. You may even start having meaningless sex with strangers. But ultimately, you need to find a place where you’re okay being by yourself. Don’t be afraid to lean on your friends a little bit. Do some online dating, and get back out there. Just don’t sit at home alone crying or feeling like shit. Force yourself out to new places. Breathe a little. Buy a good vibrator and a netflix subscription.

You also need to consider whether you’re actually in love with him or the idea of having a boyfriend. Sometimes, you grow so used to someone that even when they act like asses, you justify it, because you don’t want to be alone. Evaluate whether or not he really is worth it. It doesn’t sound like it to me. But even if he is, he’ll value you more when you value yourself more. This doesn’t mean forget about him entirely, but it does mean that you should learn to function without him. The problem is not just in Kevin, or the bitch for which he left you. You took him back and you let him treat you like that. The blame needs to fall around evenly, for you allowed this to happen. Again, therapy may be the best way of coming to grips with the whole situation.