I recently met this wonderful guy; we had a lovely week of pre-dates (you know, the phone conversations, the cute planning for the date, the getting to know one another stuff) which culminated in one of the cutest dates I’ve ever had (which is saying alot, as I’ve been around the block once or twice… a thousand). We spent the night just talking and enjoying each other’s company, as well as… more things. However, the next day he tells me he’s not ready for a relationship; but I find out later that he’s actually seeing a guy who my date was interested in for a while but who just recently became single. Now, my date and I have stayed talking this entire time, but it’s really hard for me — as in, I’ve lost my appetite and don’t sleep nearly as well hard. He tells me he doesn’t know what to do either, because he still really likes me and doesn’t want to lose me, but he has to see where the other relationship will go, as I am leaving in 2 months, which is almost no time at all to him. I’m hurt and confused, and I don’t know what to do. Is this something that I need to end so to make myself sane? Or should I continue the friendship and just let both of our feelings lie dormant underneath?
- Torn
The pronoun-age got me a little confused here. So let me see if I get this right. You like Bob (the date, I gave him a name, and it was Bob). Bob likes you. You have cute date and a little ho-hum on the side. Now, Bob has a backstory. He liked Sam, but Sam was in a relationship. So Bob decided to “move on” and meet you. Meet you he did, but it turns out that you are leaving in two months to destinations uknown and far away. Now Sam is single and available, you are single and willing (although tragically fated to move away), and Bob tells you the morning after the ho-hum that “things may not work out.”
Bob sounds like an asshole. A confused, well-intentioned asshole, but an asshole nonetheless. There’s a possibility that he isn’t. That he loved Sam and Sam broke his heart and hooking up with you was a way of “moving on.” And maybe ho-huming with you was a test of some sorts, and he realized that Sam was the boy for him. Too bad for you, Torn. Yeah. I’m sticking with Asshole. Why? Because he was cute. And not straight-forward (he was more gay-backward, HA! – I’m really not funny, I know).
If Bob likes Sam, he owed it to you to be honest from the get go. Nothing hurts more than watching possibility die. And that’s why you are suffering. You’d allowed yourself to imagine some kind of something with Bob, only to wake up the next morning and find out that you’d be some kind of naive patsy, letting yourself get ho-hummed by some kind of Prince Awesome who quickly became some kind of Prince Asshole.
I’m talking in circles. Here’s the point: you can’t change how he feels. But you can change how you let him affect you. Stay away. You were fine without him before he showed up, and you’ll be fine after. If he’s oh-so-interested in your friendship, let him chase you. Let him do the work. Because if you continue to allow him to engage in emotional fuckwittage, you may as well put a sign on your forehead that says “kick me in the balls, please.”
In other words, Torn, meet someone else. You have enough friends. I don’t care how many you actually have. You don’t need Bob.
