Celebrity F-I-S-T-S

I’ve been meeting all sorts of people these days. But, I’ll explain.

Last Saturday (October 27) I went to a Pitt in Hollywood event, where Greg Nictoero talked about creating monsters and severed heads and Fat Bastard for over 650 movies. My old professor, Carl Kurlander, put together the whole event. So I figured that it would be nice to say hello to him as I was on my way out. Well, Carl grabbed me as I walked out of the lecture room and introduced me to Greg, explaining that I was a writer and that my screenplay “too sexual” for anyone to read, but that I was worth knowing (thanks, Carl!). Of course, Greg asks me why he wouldn’t want to read something that’s “too sexual.” Which means I have to clarify why, which I do by simply saying “too many fluids.”

At this point, Greg is a bit intrigued. Carl moves Greg and I into the Green Room at WQED (we pass the set of Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood as I tell Greg about all the fluids). Once we’re in the Green Room, drinking ginger ale and chatting about sex, I go into what happens in my screenplay. The main character, her name is Emily, loses her virginity to a guy’s hand at a party. “So it’s about getting fisted on a balcony at a party?” Greg Nicotero gets right to the point. Yes, I nod. Then I make a joke along the lines of “it’s funny, because I’ll be at a party on a balcony tonight, wanna go?” My roommate, Patsy, whose been standing next to me the whole time starts laughing. We move towards the fresh vegetables on the table. Patsy says, “I think you just asked that guy to fist you.”

Hilarity ensues.

Carl walks back into the room with Tom Savini. Tom and Greg are both from Pittsburgh originally. Carl is trying to bring more film projects into town, hoping to connect writers with producers and monster makers. “Pittsburgh is the future of arts!” Tom Savini looks just like he does in every movie: a bit intense and like he’s going to kick your ass. He gives me his business card, which is a little booklet. On one side is an ordinary business-card facade, but when you open it, it has a mini-version of his CV, with all the movies he’s worked on (whether as an actor or a monster-maker, special effects aor production) inside. And on the back, on the back there’s a screenshot of him in the movie “From Dusk Till Dawn.”

Right underneath the picture it says “Tom Savini as Sex Machine in From Dusk Till Dawn.”

Best. Business Card. Ever.

Greg Nicotero introduces me to Tom Savini: “This is one of Carl’s students. She’s the only person who got an A in his class and she writes about fluids and fisting.” Tom Savini tells me about his grandson.

Patsy can’t stop laughing.

On Monday, I go see Dave Eggers read. While I stand in line to get my copy of one of his book’s signed (I’m always the last one in line too), I chat with my friends about what happened with Nicotero and Savini. “It’s funny how I always manage to say something ridiculous to quasi-famous people I meet.” “Yeah,” says my MFA friend Cara, “but I bet they’ll remember you. Who forgets the fisting girl?” I turn around and there’s Dave Eggers, looking at my group of friends oddly. I hand him my book. He signs it. We chat about literary nonfiction (me: “how do you decide if what you are writing is fiction or nonfiction?” dave eggers: “I don’t. I just call it fiction.” me: “but I’m writing nonfiction.” dave eggers: “Call it whatever you want. It’s your book.” me: “oh. okay.”).

As I turn away, I apologize for the fisting remark and one of my friends asks him if he knows Winona Ryder. “Why?,” says Dave Eggers, “I mean I know her, we’re both into nonprofit stuff.” “I hear she’s into doing things not-for-profit,” I pipe in, trying to be all double-entendre-ish. Dave Eggers stops and thinks for a second. “Are you saying she’s into F-I-S-T-I-N-G.” “Dude, you can’t say ‘fisting’?”

And that’s how Dave Eggers will remember me. As the girl who pointed out that he couldn’t say “fisting.”

I fail. Or win. One of those.