Mighty Jesus Trees

Yesterday, Daily Kos posted what may be the greatest “conservative initiative” ever regarding the environment: rebranding. Oh, I know it sounds simple. Except that by “simple,”I of course mean “brilliant.”

So take the endangered spotted owl and rename it “The Reagan Owl.” Suddenly all sorts of people will give a damn!

My favorite part:

And besides, surely we could use the massive bulk of the California condor — hereafter to be known as the Texas condor, simply because there is no more surefire way to get hardcore conservative Texans to care about something than to make it about them — to attach remote cameras to the birds, using them to monitor immigrants attempting to cross our border?

Kudzu, an invasive vine, has changed the very landscape of the southern United States. It has seemed undefeatable for decades, and is responsible for hundreds of millions of dollars in losses each year. I propose we change the balance of power by renaming it Aztlan, and sending the Minutemen after it.

An undeniable truth exists here: hardcore Texans (both conservative or liberal for that matter) care about all things Texas. I wasn’t even born in Texas (although I got there as fast as I could) and I’m as fierce a Texan (granted, an academic liberal Texan – surprise! we exist!) as they come.

[My parents (Colombian mother and Mexican father) get really competitive around World Cup time and when they ask me who I root for, I always answer “Texas.” This always makes them angry. “You’re not Texan! You’re Colombian.” “She’s not Colombian. She’s Mexican!” “I’m Texan!” “Texas doesn’t play in the World Cup.” “Do you root for the Gringos?” “Go, Texas!” “Texas is not a country!” “Yes it is.” “Gooooooooaaaaaal.” Thank goodness for television.]

I firmly believe that if the Condor were to be renamed “The Texas Condor” it would be around forever.

Somewhere in Louisiana a small vine of kudzo is praying the Minutemen don’t move their vigil to the South. Although, how do you shoot a plant?