Excerpt from: Moments of Absurdity, My Roman-a-Clef Screenplay in Progress

INT. LIVING ROOM – SCOTLAND – WINTER OF MY DISCONTENT

The apartment is clean. The remnants of a joint linger in a GIRL’s right hand. She is sitting on the window seat looking out at the train as it passes by below her third floor apartment. Snow falls outside. She stops looking a the train for a minute and focuses on her two plants, both barely shooting up from individual clay pots next to the girl the on window seat, one basil and the other marijuana. The marijuana plant has dead matter on the ends of its leaves. The basil is short and weak-looking. The girl stares at them intently. She is obsessed. She slowly pinches the dead matter off the leaves. She starts to hum; her hum becomes a full out SONG.

GIRL (SINGING)

You know why? Oh, you do! Don’t die, little plant. Oh,
don’t die, little plant. Please do not go away and die, baby.
So don’t die, Little tiny plant. Don’t die Little baby plant.

She continues singing like this, in the manner she associates with Walter Matthau, slowly falling into a trance-like state. She snaps of it for a second, realizes what’s she doing, and then CONTINUES SINGING with gusto. She’s doing this consciously now, adding rhythm and a little back-beat to the whole endeavor. Her cell phone RINGS, she reaches over to the coffee table and grabs it. A male FRIEND is calling.

FRIEND (ON PHONE)

What-up?

GIRL

Nothing much. Just sitting her singing to the plants.

FRIEND (ON PHONE)

Dude. You are such a stoner.

GIRL

No I’m not. This is the first time I’ve ever done it.

FRIEND (ON PHONE)

Whatever. We can’t be friends anymore. Drugs kill.

A VOICE, not unlike the voice of God, booms in from the heavens.

VOICE

Weed kills, children. Weed kills.

FRIEND (ON PHONE)

Want to make out instead?

VOICE

There are alternatives. Brought to you by the Alliance
for Make-outs Instead of Bake-outs.

The girl agrees and hangs up the phone. She looks outside. The train passes by. She grabs her little clay pot with weed and throws it out the window. The clay pot crashes onto the train. She looks directly at the camera.

GIRL

If only Algernon could see me now!

She faints on the window seat. Dramatic MUSIC.

CUT TO: BLACK