I am inexplicably infatuated with a good friend of mine. I’m pretty sure she knows but has yet to make an issue of it nor run off. I have no intentions of pursuing a relationship or making a play to woo her. I would like to maintain the friendship without straining things, how do I pull that off?
-trouble in paradise
I think you already are. If you have no intention of pursuing a relationship or making a play to woo her, then there really is no issue. Unless, of course, you are lying. Obviously, the issue is on your mind, or you wouldn’t be asking me about it. So, you gotta ask yourself, why are you asking me about it?
Some theories:
1) You do want to pursue something, but you’re not sure if its dating. Maybe some nookie?
2) You are seeking some acknowledgement. You want to make sure she knows. You want to push the issue and see where you end up.
3) You’re afraid she doesn’t actually know. And that bugs you, because you’d like to think that if she knew, she would say something about it. And you’re afraid that her silence is a form of rejection and everyone hates rejection.
4) You just wanted to ask me something. Thanks.
5) You don’t know what you really want and you’re rationalizing that nothing good could come of it, so why bother? The friendship means more in the end, etc. etc. etc.
Well, if you want nothing to happen, then just do nothing. And then, three years from now, you’ll sit down at a bar and have a conversation that goes something like this:
“You know, I used to have a crush on you.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“Crazy, huh?”
“Yeah. Totally.”
“Glad we’re friends.”
“Me too.”
And part of you will always wonder. Wonder what could have happened if it had worked out. If you’d been able to say “Darlene, I like you.” Maybe she would say “Oh, not now. My world is imploding.” Or she’d say “Yes, Darling. I fancy you myself.”
I’ve been on both ends of this conversation, and I know how awkward it can be for all parties if the feeling is not there. Then again, I know how much fun it is to casually date/makeout with a good friend. It’s not easy to be friends who are “in crush” but there is much merriment to be had, almost as much potential for merriment as there is for misery.
There is one final possibility, which I hadn’t considered, but writing that paragraph about being on both ends triggered it: that one of you in is in a relationship already. If you are, then the situation is that much more complicated. I would tread lightly (do nothing), unless you’re sure that speaking words of crush will not be in vain.
Or you could just do what I do in these situations.
Adri: You know something, if I didn’t know you as well as I do, I would almost have a crush on you.
Other person: That’s so sweet. Me too.
Adri: Yeah. It’s too bad I know you. Still, if you’re ever desperate, we could totally make out. Although, you’d probably have to pay me.
Other person: Suck it.
Yes. I think the old “couch the compliment in a bed of insults love confession” has done wonders for me. Then again, most nights of the week I sleep alone.
[I stole the picture above from someone's myspace because it reminded how lame myspace is.]
9 Comments
1 T.I.P. wrote:
Handy advice, i really don’t know why I’m still focused on it. in an attempt to further the discussion, i will make a point by point response
1. nookie would be nice but not something I’m particularly focused on with her.
2. I don’t necessarily want acknowledgment but i don’t want the time spent hanging out with her to look like i’m spending time with her just cause i’m into her.
3. I’m pretty sure she knows other people have said as much, but in the event she doesn’t rejection to some extent would be a welcome relief.
4. Always good to ask you something, you provide sage advice.
5. this one hits the nail on the head pretty well. i really don’t know what i want, the rational part of me says nothing will ever happen. but the teeny tiny hapless lloyd dobler part of me wants it just a little bit.
p.s. shes not in a relationship.
2 Adri wrote:
The “teeny tiny hapless lloyd dobler part” will know the right time to say what he needs to say. I’m sure.
Just make sure she doesn’t give you a pen. That’s a bad sign, I think.
3 t.i.p. wrote:
The teeny tiny hapless lloyd dobler part has no voting power. Lloyd dobler is a fantasy, with no basis in reality and without a relevant idea of how relationships actually work. Thanks for the advice nevertheless I am still drifting in the ocean with no wind to guide me to shore.
4 Adri wrote:
I am still drifting in the ocean with no wind to guide me to shore.
Now you see, saying stuff like that implies that you do care, and you do want something to come of the whole situation. You can’t say that being a romantic has “no basis in reality” and then counter that statement with a conceit as powerful as the lovelorn ship lost in an ocean of quiet admiration.
You know your answer. You know the “wind” you need. You just need to figure out if you are actually willing to sail in that direction. Because right now, not to extend your metaphor too much, you are anchored in your own indecision.
5 Darius wrote:
Dear ‘just want to be friends’,
Really? Are you sure? Because I think she would totally have sex with you.
… BUT… you can’t expect her to be attracted without going through the courtship process. She’s not going to fall out of her orbit and crash into you under the power of your gravity.
By ‘courtship’ i don’t mean a corsage, unfortunately. That would be easy. Instead, I think you need to brush up on the fundamentals of dating.
I’m sure you’ve gotten laid before, but when was the last time you stepped outside of your comfort zone? The last time you treated it as a game, rather than a Serious Emotional Issue?
I’d recommend shelving your nearest infatuation for the moment, and looking at your options for getting better game, overall. Then you can go back and hit that, if you still want to.
Instead of just _telling_ you your options, I’m going to make you think. You tell ME your options. And for every option you tell me, I will tell you one more.
So tell me: How can you become comfortable with dating?
Darius
6 T.I.P. wrote:
to respond to darius, the problem is not a lack of understanding of the fundamentals of dating. the problem is that i am treating this as a serious emotional, issue instead of a game. it is somewhat disconcerting to find myself suffering from puppy love. i usually have no problem pursuing an attraction with nary a care of the consequences. its freaky to find myself regressing to the seventh grade version of me.
The self imposed rule has always been dont date close friends, its great when its on but the downside can be tremendously messy.
7 Darius wrote:
Don’t knock the seventh grade! That’s exactly the level of playfulness that you’ll need to channel.
Good luck. Wish we could help with the specifics. Whatever happens, remember to update us!
Your faithful audience,
Darius
8 T.I.P. wrote:
egads, shes a republican!!! crush officially over
9 Adri wrote:
Being a republican is pretty unsexy right now. Despite McPailin’s thigh high leather boots.