Adri,

I’m dating this girl and things went pretty quickly, to the point where we came close to having sex the other night. The next day she told me the reason she stopped short of sex the previous night is because she has genital herpes.

She gave me an out and told me that she understood if I left and never wanted to see her again.

I kissed her and told her that I wasn’t going to do that. I’ve read up on it and spoken to a doctor friend to ease my mind, but it’s tough to stop thinking about. Do you have any experience with this? Is it something that I’ll just get used to? Or am I doomed to flop sweat and nervousness every time we get intimate?

—Curious Guy

I haven’t had any experience with herpes, so I don’t know too much about that. But, I do have a good girlfriend who contracted HPV and had to deal with a similar challenge.

I can tell you that you are lucky to have found someone honest. A lot of people lie about these things, and there is nothing worse that finding out you have an STD because someone was dishonest. Sex is a choice between consenting adults, and having sex can be fun and awesome, but it can also give you diseases and things that are generally icky and unsightly. I don’t think anyone thinks an STD is a beautiful or desirable (no one says, “I really want warts!”), but a person living with an STD in a responsible way is most certainly brave and overcoming some tough shit.

She was unlucky enough to sleep with someone else who gave her HSV, that’s not her fault; in fact, it totally sucks. Because she has to deal with the possible shame and embarrassment that such a thing can cause.

And not only that, but she has to wait for potential lovers (you) to decide how you feel. If you’ll be willing to still be with her despite certain obstacles. Not easy. And not easy for you either. Because no matter how much you like her and would be with her if she did not have a disease, this is a factor. It will affect your relationship in the long run and in the immediate future (although, you should be using protection with any new partner anyway…). No one can blame you for getting nervous and being uncomfortable.

Some people get used to it. Other people flip out and kill people (like ninjas). Some people never get comfortable entirely, but love their partners enough to deal with it. In the meantime, be safe. Be smart. I support all activities between consenting and responsible adults. Even slightly irresponsible ones, as long as you’re safe and use a sturdy condom.

If you do decide to run for the border, just don’t be an asshat about it.

My advice to you: talk to her. Let her know how you’re feeling. Show her this blog post and talk about what a coincidence it is that I would write about this. Who knows? Maybe someone else sent in the question. Statistics say that up to 20% of sexually active adults have herpes. 25% of sexually active women have HPV. We’re all a little dirty, and everyone takes that risk. It’s just that 75-80% of are luckier than others.

Diseases are nature’s way of balancing out and checking the awesomeness of sex. So, ultimately, you should do as I do and raise your fist into the sky, shaking it slowly and muttering “die, nature!” And, if you do it right, you shouldn’t feel ironic at all when you’re done.

Here’s a flower to make you feel better!