El Desperado

Adri,

I recently went back to the small town where I went to school for an extended job thing. While there, I hung out with a good friend of mine (we’ll call her S). S and I were having a drink at a bar when one of her sorority sisters joined us, a girl I briefly knew, but had a general good impression of, K. We started flirting immediately. She was cute, smart, well-read, educated, and funny. I thoroughly enjoyed her company, and later that night, we made out on the dance-floor (albeit drunkenly). She immediately gave me her number and told me she wanted to hang out, we parted ways before anything else happened. The next night, S and her boyfriend invited me to their house for dinner and K dropped by as well. We continued flirting all night, but I could already feel her more distant. We sent each other some flirty messages the next day, but I could tell that interest on her end was waning, as each message was more distant and colder.

Two days later, I ran into her at a bar, where she was watching the game with some friends. She came over to say hi, and in a minute when we were alone, I asked if I could be honest with her. She nodded and so I told her that I liked her, that we’d connected, and that I thought she was amazing. I said I wanted to pursue something with her, even if it was casual. She looked flattered and said as much. She then said I was a ‘great guy,’ and that she was ‘too much of a player.’ She kept repeating that she was ‘no good to date,’ but that I was ‘cute.’ She then smiled, kissed me on the cheek, and went back to her friends. Very nice about it, but didn’t even give me a chance to reply.

What do I do? I don’t even know how to react to this? I’m here for another week and I really want to call her. She was that great. I’m not desperate, I date all the time, but I was struck by her only to have the person that might be The One walk away.

– Desperado

Something like this happened to me once. And it sucked, because that whole The One thing makes you do really stupid things, in the name of a higher principle about romance and hearts and candy bullshit, but I think my friend Carl has it right when he says there is a certain window for any relationship, we’ll call it The Window.

window

And you missed it. Maybe your Window was that night, after the makeout and before you went home. Or maybe the Window for you and K won’t happen for several years, or it was that one night so long ago you met in undergrad, when you got the good impression of her to begin with.

But she’s in a different place. You want The One, and she, it seems, just wanted Some Fun. And maybe she respects what Might Have Been enough to not put you through her playgirl ways with some horrible fake relationship where you both want super different things and eventually make each other miserable. Maybe she was just saying that she cared too much to treat you like another schmuck. Or maybe she just wasn’t that into it the next day, which sucks, but gives it another dimension. Or maybe you freaked her out with your too-much-too-fast confessions of lust/like/want/love.

(Although, of all people, I should not accuse you or anyone really of being too-much-too-fast, aka The Mucho Rapido, as I have perfected that move myself…when I know what I want, I go for it, and sometimes that freaks out the weak, or so I’ve taught myself to think.)

You did hand it to her pretty bluntly, though. Maybe she’s coy and demands slow Victorian wooing? Or simply wants to make-out with everyone in the world? (Watch for super cold sores on that one.)

Either way, she was on her way out before you ever got in. Sucks if she was The One. But unless you get another opportunity, it’s time to let her go. Stay in touch. Call her up next time you’re in town. Don’t wait for her, but if she comes around to you, maybe she won’t miss your Window.

The only other thing I can think of that might, just might, work is a bold gesture. A grand gesture. But be careful. I have a good friend who has done some very bold and romantic gestures only to have them backfire in his face. Then again, there is that whole “get-the-marching-band-involved thing” that some girls simply can’t resist. And if you’ve swept her off her feet entirely (which will be very unlikely, given the scenario you’ve described), then you deserve Muchos Kudos, mi friend, for you have defied The Window*.

*My friend Carl, who knows a lot about the mind of the flirty woman says:   “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bold gesture totally will kill any chance he has.  Please don’t tell him to do this because he definitely will and it will only make things way worse for all parties.”

In fact, Carl has a lot to say about your case, most of which is absolutely hilarious.

Here are Carl’s annotations to your story of woe. Worth reading, methinks.

*

Adri,

I recently went back to the small town where I went to school for an extended job thing. While there, I hung out with a good friend of mine (we’ll call her S). S and I were having a drink at a bar when one of her sorority sisters joined us, a girl I briefly knew, but had a general good impression of, K. We started flirting immediately. She was cute, smart, well-read, educated, and funny. I thoroughly enjoyed her company, and later that night, we made out on the dance-floor (albeit drunkenly).

***I want to make out with lots of people when I’ve been drinking, but I may not be the same when I’m sober and actually thinking

She immediately gave me her number and told me she wanted to hang out, we parted ways before anything else happened.

***The language here suggests you were exiting the window. You should have taken her home that night even if it was just to keep hanging out more.

The next night, S and her boyfriend invited me to their house for dinner and K dropped by as well. We continued flirting all night, but I could already feel her more distant. We sent each other some flirty messages the next day, but I could tell that interest on her end was waning, as each message was more distant and colder.

***The window is shut and now you’re looking through it hoping to be back on the inside.

Two days later, I ran into her at a bar, where she was watching the game with some friends. She came over to say hi, and in a minute when we were alone, I asked if I could be honest with her. She nodded and so I told her that I liked her, that we’d connected, and that I thought she was amazing. I said I wanted to pursue something with her, even if it was casual. She looked flattered and said as much. She then said I was a ‘great guy,

***She’s trying to tell you she’s not interested in you at all anymore and you’ve clearly entered the friend zone.

and that she was ‘too much of a player.’

***She’s probably boinking someone that saw the window, took it, and she’s holding on to him for now.

She kept repeating that she was ‘no good to date,’

***She’s sabotaging herself or projecting what she really wants to say to you but saying it about herself.

but that I was ‘cute.’ She then smiled, kissed me on the cheek, and went back to her friends.
***YOU ARE DEFINITELY IN THE FRIENDS ZONE

Very nice about it, but didn’t even give me a chance to reply.
***MESSAGES FROM THE FRIEND ZONE TO THE NO PANTS DANCE ZONE ARE RETURNED TO SENDER, please apply for your visa in a few months

What do I do? I don’t even know how to react to this? I’m here for another week and I really want to call her. She was that great. I’m not desperate, I date all the time, but I was struck by her only to have the person that might be The One walk away.

***You want her to be the one, she knows she’s not. You’re in the FRIENDS ZONE and being unrealistic.

She’s sabotaging herself and distancing herself from you. YOU ONLY HAVE A WEEK LEFT AND SHE KNOWS IT. If you call her, call her to hang out or to do something totally unromantic or neutral. If you do try to contact her and it seems even the slightest bit date-ish, you’re going to creep her out and then you’re going to be waaaay out of the friends zone. Best thing you should do: call her when you’re leaving to tell her you had a great time but leave it at that. Then when you visit next time give her a call and maybe you’ll have a second chance at the window.

***PS She was looking for a one night stand or to get her brains screwed out and you didn’t sack up, so she moved on with out you.

-Carl