Celebrity Books I Would Purchase

So, Pete* and I have a conversation about the kind of reality show star I would be. You know, the awesome kind. And Pete says something along the lines of “yeah, and you could totally capitalize on your fifteen minutes of fame. Turn it into an hour or something.” And then I say, “yeah, I’ll get my book published.” And then Pete says, “right, and then people will be like ‘why did this reality show star write a book about violence and family history of Colombia?’ and then they’ll read it anyway, and it’ll be good.” So, of course, I reply, “dude, that would be crazy. What if Audrina Patridge wrote a book called ‘The Revolutions of Ecuador Through My Mother’s Eyes.” And Pete adds, “Plus My Boobs.”

This, obviously, leads to a list of a celebrity books that should be written so that I may buy them and for the benefit of humanity, aka, if celebrities used their literary prowess for good instead of vanity/evil/commercial success.


  1. Paris Hilton, author of “The Industrial Revolution and Rise of the American Tourist,” History.
  2. Perez Hilton, author of “Social Dynamics of Homophobia Within 20th Century Immigrant Communities,” Society and Culture.
  3. Pamela Anderson Lee, author of “Boobs: A Mammillary Memoir of Modern Maidenhood,” Autobiography. [Pete, “It’s been a long time since she’s been a maiden.”]
  4. Tommy Lee, author of “Rock the Sores — how to live with herpes and still get laid,” Self-help.
  5. Kate Holmes, author “The Neuro-Not-Psychiatry of Dianetics, or how I learned to stop worrying and embrace the silent birth,” forward written by Thomas C. Mapother IV, Religion and Culture.
  6. Spencer Pratt, author of “How to Get Famous for Absolutely Nothing,” True Crime/Autobiography. [Pete notes that this book is terrifyingly close to actual publication.]

At this point, Pete says we’ve run out of clever. So I leave it to you, Dear Reader, to show us up, prove to us that there is more humor to be squeezed from this melon of an idea. What delightfully ironic titles do you have in store for us? [Pete says I should not limit you to ironic titles, that the titles should just be delightful. I don’t really care what they are, but I like how “delightfully ironic” sounds. So there.]

*Not a real human being. A robot of some kind. Perhaps a chilly one. From West Virginia.