Dear Adri,
I cannot seem to get over my ex. We had a pretty great relationship, except of course for a few issues, which started as minor but then grew to insurmountable.
He has cut off all communication, which makes it very difficult to process closure (and also not to feel like I’ve literally lost a limb). Hence why I’m left with my own thoughts to sort through.
I can’t quit thinking about all the terrible things I did in the relationship, how I should have handled this another way, how I shouldn’t have done that. I just wish I could apologize and talk through things with him. Also, sometimes even more negative thoughts grip my mind: thoughts that I am just not worthy of a good guy, thoughts that question whether I am a truly worthwhile person. Totally illogical, I know, but my emotions seem to resist my healing. It’s been three months now–what can I do?
In Need of Sun
You know, I used to think I was great at handling the end of relationships. I knew that the best way to achieve closure was to move on, and the best way to move on was to cut off communication and start fresh. Just put it all out of your mind, deal with your grief privately, and do what you can to keep going. Unfortunately, that left a lot of my exes in your position — standing out there wondering what the hell just happened.
You want to talk about it so you can get closure, but he can only get closure by removing himself entirely from the situation. Why talk, I used to reason, when it’s over? Why cause yourself more grief than you have to? And, dear underexposed friend, you have to wonder if the reason you want to apologize and say all those things to him is because you want him to realize that you’re great (which I’m sure you are!) and that you deserve another chance. And that’s key. You want to be un-rejected. And he doesn’t want to have to reject you again, but in his effort to do so, his silence feels like continual rejection.
So it’s been three months and you want to say your peace. So do it. Write a letter, a long letter. A letter that you read three times and have other friends read three times and make sure it’s a letter you can live with sending. And then you send it. There. You’ve said what you have to say. And now he has the space and time to think about his reply. No communication or pressure. Hell, buy some nice stationery, and get out your thesaurus. Be precise without being pathetic, be honest without being harsh, and be yourself. Or at least the version of yourself you want him to remember.
And after you’ve sent your letter, go out with girlfriends and dance with strangers. Let a boy buy you a drink (or not) and then go home by yourself to watch a good movie with a glass of wine. Learn to meditate. Play Settlers of Catan online. Remember the part of you that exists outside someone else.
Not to be all seventies and hippydippy, and lame, but, you know, let the sunshine in.
